The past few months have been a struggle. Honestly, the last year has been rough. I've been irritable, notably depressed (with complete loss of energy, awful suicidal/worthless feelings, etc.), and so frustrated with my energy levels that I even convinced myself that maybe I don't want a life with the rock of a person who has been by my side for 8 years, my husband for 5. I have been craving meat for a while and really thought I would go for the rest of my life without eating it. I even plan on raising my future children with as few animal products and byproducts as possible (well, that's still true.)
But this evening, as I sat with the Handsomest Hubs in the world, in the darling downtown restaurant 136, I couldn't stop staring at his New York Strip. It was pristinely pan fried with a peppercorn crust, a mushroom cream sauce, garnished with mashed rutabaga and buttered haricots verts. My own vegetable risotto was delicious, the risotto tasted -almost magically- of caramelized onions, with bright green asparagus, roasted mushrooms, with crumbled bleu cheese and a balsamic reduction glaze AND I COULDN'T STOP STARING AT HIS PLATE.
My husband has been urging me to try meat again (well, urging isn't the right way to put it... pressure-less encouragement, and only for my own health), since I have been vocal about craving it, though never thought I could actually bring myself to eat it.
Tonight -we were out for our 5th wedding anniversary- it was a perfect ceremony to celebrate each other. My vegetarianism, I know, has made me exclude myself in many ways, including in our relationship, and especially in our restaurant. Since I don't eat meat I don't really have the desire to experiment with different entrees and such. But, though my husband was supportive from the get-go, he has seen my unhappiness grow with each day I seem to be malnourished and unhappy.
* * *
WHY I AM MALNOURISHED:
When I was eating miniscule amounts of animal protein, no processed carbs, and copious veggies, I was weightless, and I had energy abounding. Since going vegetarian I have gained about 10 pounds and it's really hard to get back down, and honestly, I am simply not trying hard enough to stay healthy. It's my fault. I'm eating a lot of garbage, and it's hard to stop. That's why I'm thinking I should start all over again.
There's a really messed up notion of vegetarianism where (similar to "gluten-free") people think because it's excluding something it means it's healthy... I have fallen prey to thinking that since I don't eat meat, what I eat is never that bad for me. Like I have a free pass or something. We at the restaurant are in the busiest part of our busy season and I am simply not taking good, thoughtful care of myself. I am eating late at night, stress-eating a good deal, and I'm also comforting myself with a good deal of carbohydrates, specifically sugar and bread (which is also sugar). The protein I've been eating lately is mostly processed, because I'm just bored to death by beans. Mind you, none of this is vegetarianism's fault. It's mine. And dairy, don't get me started. Dairy is the worst. It makes me bloated, I think it may be worse for the animals by prolonging their lives rather than just offing them. Not to mention it's just... not very healthy.
With all honesty, not only did I never plan on eating meat again, I was oddly also finding ways of rationalizing eating meat again. This is what it looks like to me:
RATIONALIZING MEAT CONSUMPTION
1. Don't eat it
2. Don't eat it
3. Don't eat it
4. Don't eat it
5. Don't eat it
6. Don't eat it
7. Don't eat it
8. Don't eat it
9. Don't eat it
10. Eat responsibly -- local, fresh, grass-fed, organic
11. Eat when craving
12. No more than once per day
13. Portion control!
Hmmm.
BACK TO DINNER
Hubs (a former vegetarian himself) saw me staring. Without even thinking, I said, "I want some of that." He smiled and then grew serious. "I want that. Can I try that? That looks so good. I shouldn't. Ohmygod that looks so BEAUTIFUL." I even told the waiter, "I haven't eaten meat in almost two years and that just looks.... Perfection."
I went back to my vegetable risotto and then just caved. "Can I please try a bite?" The husband obliged. "I'll give you the perfect bite."
Let me tell you, it was heaven. I didn't think of the poor cow, like I know I should have. I wasn't thinking about anything but how amazing it tasted. It was a on-the-dot medium rare and completely flavorful, absolutely perfect.
* * *
Labels are unfair. I'm over labels. Last winter a friend of mine and her husband decided to go Gluten-Free Vegan. When they visited a month or so later, Eric offered them gluten free muffins, and I hollered, "THEY'RE NOT VEGAN!" and later she said, "You know, everything was fine with that diet, until I started defining myself 'vegan gluten free.' The second I say it, it all goes out the window."
I have defined myself as a "vegetarian" for a while now. It feels so fucking relieving to say that I'm going to let it go, at least for now. Right now I need to focus on being happy and being healthy, and I know that no one is going to judge me for deciding that I want to feel good. Maybe this little bite of steak will be my last. Maybe it won't.
I'm not deciding right now. All I know is that I am very unhappy, and I'm going to see if changing my diet around will help fix that.
See, I've been struggling with the idea of being defined as a something. I don't like the finiteness of being a vegetarian or a vegan because unless you're on the west coast, or in a metropolitan area, it's hard. Like, it's HARD. I don't have a community of people that eat like I do. There are no restaurants in a 50 mile radius that specifically cater to my vegetarian needs (though admittedly, a few do quite nicely). I live in an area where winter is long, and staying a vegetarian in those months means a lot of beans. So many beans. And then I get angry. It's not beans' fault. Most of the time if I say I'm a vegetarian, people wonder if I eat fish. It's all so confusing.
I don't want to say that I'm eating meat again. But I do want to go back to where I had a lot of energy and was feeling good about myself. I don't want to label myself or my eating habits any more than I want to display my dress size. I'm not planning on eating whole cows in the future but honestly, the relief of saying, "It's okay to do what your body wants, as long as you feel good about it"-- amazing.
We should all be doing what feels best for us. Happiness is key. Feeling undernourished for the planet's sake just is not cutting it right now (I still want to cage the food monster! I want to help myself and others be healthy!). For me, I don't even think eating meat as much as dropping the label is important here. Perhaps I am destined to be a vegan, but for the present moment I need to start from scratch. Right now my Health-and-Happiness Toolbox is empty (which is so sad to me because I did so well in the past), and I'm willing to use whatever means I can to get those tools back. I'm hope it means I find more ways to be animal free, to be conscious and aware. Who knows? It may launch me into full-fledged vegan gluten free... I just won't tell anybody.
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